SPAOJ & READ At The Oscars 2004

Articles | By on Jul 17th, 2004

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ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Johnny Depp – Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl
Ben Kingsley – House Of Sand And Fog
Jude Law – Cold Mountain
Bill Murray – Lost In Translation
Sean Penn – Mystic River

READ: Sean Penn played Sean Penn on coke, Jude Law had four spoken lines, Bill Murray was nominated because people felt he was “due” even though this is his first non-annoying role, and Johnny Depp looks like he’s on the dope. Gandhi wins by default.
SPOJ: It’s between Sean Penn and Bill Murray. Sean Penn cries like a baby in the movie so he’ll probably win.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Alec Baldwin – The Cooler
Benicio Del Toro – 21 Grams
Djimon Hounsou – In America
Tim Robbins – Mystic River
Ken Watanabe – The Last Samurai

READ: No one saw any of these movies except for Last Samurai. But I’d say it’s between Benicio Del Toro and Tim Robbins because of name recognition, and who the hell would vote for a Baldwin?
SPOJ: I want Tim Robbins to win this because then they’ll show Susan Sarandon cheering for him and I’m sure her breasts will be popping out of her dress.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Keisha Castle-Hughes – Whale Rider
Diane Keaton – Something’s Gotta Give
Samantha Morton – In America
Charlize Theron – Monster
Naomi Watts – 21 Grams

READ: Diane Keaton because she’s old and this will be the last time she’ll ever be up for an award, except for maybe Depends Spokeswoman of the Year.
SPOJ: I’m sure Charlize Theron will win because she got uglied up and got naked in Monster. Academy members eat that shit up.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Shohreh Aghdashloo – House Of Sand And Fog
Patricia Clarkson – Pieces Of April
Marcia Gay Harden – Mystic River
Holly Hunter – Thirteen
Renee Zellweger – Cold Mountain

READ: Supporting role? Renee Zellweger’s girdle.
SPOJ: Renee always looks like she’s sucking on a lemon

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Brother Bear
Finding Nemo
The Triplets Of Belleville

READ: Umm.. Maybe if I was deaf, dumb, blind, and completely retarded, I’d have trouble picking Finding Nemo. It couldn’t be more obvious, even if it was the only choice.
SPOJ: Do you think I’ll be that stupid to say Brother Bear will win. Of course it will be Finding Nemo even though I think that was the worst Pixar movie. God I hate Albert Brooks.

ART DIRECTION
Girl With A Pearl Earring
The Last Samurai
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World
Seabiscuit

READ: Doesn’t matter. Whoever wins this is still a loser.
SPOJ: What the hell was so fascinating about Seabiscuit’s art direction? Oh the Horse’s shit looks so lyrical.

CINEMATOGRAPHY
City Of God
Cold Mountain
Girl With A Pearl Earring
Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World
Seabiscuit

READ: LOTR. Fuck it, I’m writing it in.
SPOJ: Yeah where is LOTR? You shitheads in the Academy don’t have a clue do you? Um, I guess Master and Commander: The Far Side Of The World because if Masters and Commander doesn’t win something, Russell Crowe will go fightin’ around the world with Academy voters.

COSTUME DESIGN
Girl With A Pearl Earring
The Last Samurai
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World
Seabiscuit

READ: Ahh, they all had such beautiful costume design. What wondrous fabrics and threads woven… errrr… FOOTBALL!!!!
SPOJ: Anyone who can make Tom Cruise look like a Samurai should get an award. But the award will go to LOTR because they had purdy costumes.

DIRECTING
City Of God
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
Lost In Translation
Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World
Mystic River

READ: LOTR. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to direct dwarves? I do. The little mutant bastards don’t listen.
SPOJ: I wish Sofia Coppola got a nose job. She’d be so hot if she did. If PJ doesn’t win, the Academy will have to deal with the Army of the Geeks rioting.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Balseros
Capturing The Friedmans
The Fog Of War
My Architect
The Weather Underground

READ: I loved them all.
SPOJ: Ummm, I’ll go with the movie that has a vowel in it’s name. Oh wait.

DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
Asylum
Chernobyl Heart
Ferry Tales

READ: How could one choose between such fine cinema?
SPOJ: Ferry Tales? Is this about Adam’s life?

FILM EDITING
City Of God
Cold Mountain
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World
Seabiscuit

READ: LOTR with its 50 endings won’t win this one. I’ll say Seabiscuit, just to throw that pathetic movie a bone.
SPOJ: Cold Mountain will win because The Weinsteins have to give their payola to someone right?

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
The Barbarian Invasions
Evil
The Twilight Samurai
Twin Sisters

READ: Barbarian Invasions. You’ll see.
SPOJ: How many damn Samurai movies do we have this year? I’ll go with the Barbarian movie because Thundarr the Barbarian was in it.

MAKEUP
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World
Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl

READ: Diane Keaton. Kudos to her makeup person to take a senior citizen and make her full frontal nudity scene boner worthy.
SPOJ: Hey, anyone who can make Orlando Bloom even attractive to guys is worth getting an award. Wait, did I just say that outloud?

MUSIC (SCORE)
Big Fish
Cold Mountain
Finding Nemo
House Of Sand And Fog
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King

READ: They all make me weep. In pain.
SPOJ: The score with the longest title will win. Hey, it’s LOTR! All right!!

MUSIC (SONG)
“Into The West” – The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
“A Kiss At The End Of The Rainbow” – A Mighty Wind
“Scarlet Tide” – Cold Mountain
“The Triplets Of Belleville” – The Triplets Of Belleville
“You Will Be My Ain True Love” – Cold Mountain

READ: I don’t care, just don’t play them at the Oscars please.
SPOJ: Dude, Snoop Dog’s “Gangster Shit” from Bad Boy 2 was snubbed yo!

BEST PICTURE
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
Lost In Translation
Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World
Mystic River
Seabiscuit

READ: WTF? Where’s Miramax? Don’t they always buy this category?
SPOJ: LOTR wins by default for not being a fucking bore-fest

SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)
Boundin’
Destino
Gone Nutty
Harvie Krumpet
Nibbles

READ: Fuck these fucked in the head short film animators. All their shit is creepy.
SPOJ: Nibbles. That sounds funny.

SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)
Die Rote Jacke (The Red Jacket)
Most (The Bridge)
Squash
(A) Torzija ([A] Torsion)
Two Soldiers

READ: The one where they say you should visit readmag.com.
SPOJ: The one where the cowboys are eating pudding will win

SOUND
The Last Samurai
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World
Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl
Seabiscuit

READ: They all sound terrible to me.
SPOJ: Seabiscuit wins because all the rest of them have annoying explosions in it.

SOUND EDITING
Finding Nemo
Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World
Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl

READ: Is this a real category?
SPOJ: Every year I ask myself what’s the difference between Sound and Sound Editing, but what really matters is who gives a flying fuck!

VISUAL EFFECTS
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World
Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl

READ: They all had wonderful blue screens.
SPOJ: I think the ship in Pirates, that put on the motion capture suit should have been nominated for best actor.

WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)
American Splendor
City Of God
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
Mystic River
Seabiscuit

READ: Aren’t they all winners in their own loser way?
SPOJ: American Splendor will win. Why? Beats the hell outta me.

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)
The Barbarian Invasions
Dirty Pretty Things
Finding Nemo
In America
Lost In Translation

READ: Rush In Rio.
SPOJ: Gigli should have been nominated.