SPAOJ & READ At The Oscars 2003

Articles | By on Jan 1st, 2003

87th Academy Awards (The Oscars)

BEST PICTURE

Chicago
Gangs of New York
The Hours
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Pianist

SPOJ: Seriously, I think Corky Romono was totally snubbed. The film was so breathtaking.
READ: What ties all these movies together? They all feel HOURS and HOURS long. Therefore, I believe The Hours will win. That movie is the underlying theme.

DIRECTOR

Rob Marshall – Chicago
Martin Scorsese – Gangs of New York
Steven Daldry – The Hours
Roman Polanski – The Pianist
Pedro Almodovar – Talk To Her

SPOJ: Everyone feels sorry for Martin Scorsese, not that he hasn’t won an Oscar yet, it’s because of his eyebrows.
READ: All these directors are freaks. Roman Polanski likes to butt-rape children, Pedro Almodovar is into drag queens, Rob Marshall is a transgendered Penny Marshall, and Steven Daldry sounds like Steven Baudy or Steven Dirty Laundry. Therefore, Martin Scorsese wins by default for having normal, consensual sex with his wife. That, and Miramax gave me $500 to vote for him.

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Adrian Brody – The Pianist
Nicholas Cage – Adaptation
Michael Caine – The Quiet American
Daniel Day-Lewis – Gangs of New York
Jack Nicholson – About Schmidt

SPOJ: Daniel Day-Lewis will win because people want him to make movies, not shoes.
READ: Jack Nicholson always acts like Jack Nicholson. Daniel Day-Lewis was great… except for the fact that he was the only one in the entire movie with a 1940s Brooklyn “one-two-tree” accent. Nicholas Cage agreed to be in Charlie Kaufmann’s giant flaming turd of an ego trip, so he’s out. And Michael Caine is SO 2002. So I’m going with Adrian Brody, even though I didn’t see his performance.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Salma Hayek – Frida
Nicole Kidman – The Hours
Diane Lane – Unfaithful
Julianne Moore – Far From Heaven
Rene Zellweger – Chicago

SPOJ: Diane Lane deserves this because she’s got real big titties, and shows them on the screen. Look at Halle Berry last year, She has big natural funbags, she gets railed by Billy Bob and gets an Oscar. History repeats itself.
READ: Salma Hayek has hot lesbian sex. That gets my vote.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Chris Cooper – Adaptation
Ed Harris – The Hours
Paul Newman – Road to Perdition
John C. Reilly – Chicago
Christopher Walken – Catch Me If You Can

SPOJ: Walken will get this because everyone is really scared of him. Presenter: “Here take it, take it..don’t kill me Sir”
READ: Paul Newman for his role in giving my salad some zing.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Kathy Bates – About Schmidt
Julianne Moore – The Hours
Queen Latifah – Chicago
Meryl Streep – Adaptation
Catherine Zeta-Jones – Chicago

SPOJ: Catherine Zeta-Jones will win because she’s the only one who didn’t get hit by the ugly stick. Well unless she’s pregnant again. Oops, she is.
READ: Hey, I actually saw Chicago. Latifah was in it for exactly ten seconds. Something tells me she was added just so the entire award ceremony wouldn’t be completely white. Lame. Because of the Academy’s thinly-veiled racism, I’m voting for Halle Berry. Cuz she’s fucking HOT!

SCREENPLAY – ORIGINAL

Todd Haynes – Far From Heaven
Jay Cocks and Steve Zaillian and Kenneth Lonergan – Gangs of New York
Nia Vardalos – My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Pedro Almod – Talk To Her
Carlos Cuar and Alfonso Cuar – Y Tu Mama Tambien

SPOJ: I’m so sick of hearing shit about My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Go away fatso!
READ: Y Tu Mama. Loved the double penetration scenes.

SCREENPLAY – ADAPTED

Peter Hedges and Chris Weitz & Paul Weitz – About A Boy
Charlie Kaufman and Donald Kaufman – Adaptation
Bill Condon – Chicago
David Hare – The Hours
Ronald Harwood – The Pianist

SPOJ: The Penis will win. It’s got to win something at least, why not win this stupid category.
READ: What the hell is an adapted screenplay? God, they give awards for anything now.

ANIMATED FEATURE

Ice Age
Lilo & Stitch
Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron
Spirited Away
Treasure Planet

SPOJ: Can I use Star Wars: Episode 2 as my pick?
READ: Spirited Away was awesome!! Hayao Miyazaki is da shiznizzle fizzle.

ART DIRECTION

Chicago
Frida
Gangs of New York
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Road to Perdition

SPOJ: I don’t think GONY will win because all the art in the film was lots of clovers and little Leprechauns hanging on people’s windows. Not really creative there Marty?
READ: LOTR will probably win this since it won’t win anything else. What the hell does art direction mean anyway?

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Chicago
Far From Heaven
Gangs of New York
The Pianist
Road to Perdition

SPOJ: And where is Pluto Nash in this category? The camera work for that was so amazing, it had tears in my eyes.
READ: I dunno. Is this shit over yet?

COSTUME DESIGN

Chicago
Frida
Gangs of New York
The Hours
The Pianist

SPOJ: Gangs Of New York will win. Accepting the award is Darby O’ Gill and the Little People.
READ: Who cares?

FILM EDITING

Chicago
Gangs of New York
The Hours
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Pianist

SPOJ: The Hours won’t win in the editing dept. because the film is hours long. *Cricket, Cricket* I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses.
READ: Yo mama.

MAKEUP

Frida
The Time Machine

SPOJ: I dressed up for Halloween better than the make up in Time Machine.
READ: The fact that The Time Machine is up for an Academy award, even if it’s just for makeup, proves that this is a world gone mad.

MUSIC (SCORE)

John Williams – Catch Me If You Can
Elmer Bernstein – Far From Heaven
Elliot Goldenthal – Frida
Philip Glass – The Hours
Thomas Newman – Road to Perdition

SPOJ: “What’s the score? Nothing, Nothing. Who’s winning? The Bears.”
READ: Philip Glass. It must’ve been really hard for him to hit random notes with his eyes closed.

MUSIC (SONG)

“I Move On”, John Kander and Fred Ebb – Chicago
“Lose Yourself”, Eminem – 8 Mile
“Burn It Blue”, Elliot Goldenthal and Julie Taymor – Frida
“The Hands That Built America”, U2 – Gangs of New York
“Father and Daughter”, Paul Simon – The Wild Thornberrys Movies

SPOJ: Academy Award Winner Enimem. Yeah and monkeys might fly outta my ass.
READ: Eminem. We must keep giving him awards to contain him.

SOUND

Chicago
Gangs of New York
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Road to Perdition
Spider-Man

SPOJ: Michael Winslow was snubbed.
READ: Huh?? How hard is it to fuck up sound?

SOUND EDITING

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Minority Report
Road to Perdition

SPOJ: Ennie Minie Manie Mo…Minority Report wins.
READ: Isn’t this the same award….?

VISUAL EFFECTS

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Spider-Man
Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones

SPOJ: LOTR will win because the other films look like the Hair Bear Bunch cartoons.
READ: They all had very nice blue screens.

SHORT FILM – ANIMATED

The Cathedral
The ChubbChubbs!
Das Rad
Mike’s New Car
Mt. Head

SPOJ: ChubbChubbs! huh? Sounds like an animated movie about morning wood.
READ: This award is like throwing an unwanted scrap to the pathetic, starving dog laying at your feet.

SHORT FILM – LIVE ACTION

Fait D’Hiver
I’ll Wait For the Next One… (J’ Attendrai Le Suivant)
Inja (Dog)
Johnny Flynton
This Charming Man (Der Er En Yndig Mand)

SPOJ: I don’t know, I don’t even see every movie coming out. You think I would see a stupid short film?
READ: Another scrap. Another dog.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE

Bowling For Columbine
Daughter From Danang
Prisoner of Paradise
Spellbound
Winged Migration

SPOJ: I don’t know what’s the fuss over Bowling for Columbine. What’s so exciting about bowling?
READ: Bowling. That shound win best movie of all time. No joke. Go see it.

DOCUMENTARY SHORT

The Collector of Bedford Street
Mighty Times: The Legacy of Rosa Parks
Twin Towers
Why Can’t We Be a Family Again?

SPOJ: Why Can’t We Be a Family Again? I’ll pick this one because it sounds funny.
READ: Dude, I can’t take any more of this…

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

El Crimen del Padre Amaro
Hero
The Man Without a Past
Nowhere in Africa
Zus & Zo

SPOJ: Reading films sucks!
READ: Hero. I love Dustin Hoffman!

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