The ’90s have come and gone and you’re a parent now. Your rudeboy ways haven’t completely gone out the window though. In fact, you’re still a hardcore ska fan and you apply that to raising your children. We now present to you: 32 ways on how you’re a ska parent.
1. Despite all logic, you made Steve Jackson from the Pietasters your kid’s Godfather.
2. The Aquabats Super Show is the only thing they are allowed to watch on Saturday Mornings.
3. Your kids only know the word ‘skank’ as a dance, not what Aunt Tara does on the weekends.
4. All of your children’s clothes are from the Gwen Stefani clothing line at Target.
5. You are working with your high school ska band on lullaby versions of ‘Saba’ and ‘Nude Beach.’
6. You yell at your kids to “pick it up, pick it up, pick it up” when they drop their food on the floor.
7. Teach them better grammar by listing misspelled ska bands like Reel Big Fish and Spunge.
8. You call your minivan the Skaravan when driving your kids to soccer practice.
9. Your kid has every color Doc Marten shoe.
10. Your vespa has a baby seat extension on the back.
11. You name your twin daughters Margaret and Jeanette (Rudy and Walt if they are twin boys).
12. You had Five Iron Frenzy play your kid’s baptism.
13. In order to explain what’s good or evil in the world, you reference Mephiskapheles and The Supertones.
14. Every Halloween, you debate with yourself on which to dress up as: A Mustard Plug or A Skankin’ Pickle.
15. When your kid sleeps past their alarm, you blare the intro to “One Step Beyond” (“HEY YOU!….”) at full volume.
16. Your son’s birthday party is held at the local diner just because of the checkered tiles.
17. When your kid’s friends are over, you offer up two tone cookies.
18. At the PTA meetings, the teacher calls your child rude and you couldn’t be prouder.
19. You attend all the Fishbone family shows just so you can see the band twice in one day.
20. Your children can name every member who ever played in The Toasters but can’t name all of the Presidents.
21. When it is time to clap during a sing along, they can only clap on the offbeat.
22. As soon as your child is born, you sign them them up as an Aquacadet.
23. When the big school recital comes around, you’re excited because you get to show off your new two tone wing tips and porkpie hat.
24. You have a tattoo of your kid dressed up as a rude boy.
25. You debate with other parents why The Specials are better than The Rolling Stones.
26. Ska parents are always encouraging their children to keep practicing their instruments so that someday they can be in the Toasters.
27. In order to hear better music in the car, you create a children’s ska record label.
28. You’ve seen The Bosstones / Sesame Street “Zig Zag Dance” music video over 3,000 times.
29. During the holidays, you show your kids “real” holiday music from Mu330, The Toasters, and The Ska Santas.
30. When telling scary stories to your children, you speak of a Fatty Fatty Skinhead that sticks out his freakishly long tongue and licks people to death.
31. You insisted on having “Skather” under your name for your child’s birth certificate.
32. When the kids are bad, you give them timeout with an iPod and headphones. On those headphones: Jiker.
Thanks to Michelle Ska, Jake W-M, Steve Bauer and others for the help!
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