Thank you for coming. What do you hope to get out of this interview?
Dan Regan: A new-found faith in mankind…but a stick of gum’ll do.
What do you know about us? How do you think you could contribute to our company?
I know this company leads the world on honey production and all orders are passed down from the queen in a complicated series of wiggles by the abdomen…and I ..am I over dressed?…. oh…well the truth is Iwas mugged on the way in here… aaaand the bandits made me wear this bee suit. I’d like to get a nice retirement package after 30 years of dedicated service and a petrified fruitcake for a colon. If the interview goes well, that is.
What are some of your negative qualities?
I’m far too serious. People think I’m grumpy, even. It gets me in trouble at the baby meat factory.
Your resume is impressive, but please tell me more about yourself.
I play the trombone in a band called Reel Big Fish. I’ve been in this group for 11 years now. I’m almost an Eagle Scout. I couldn’t finish the Eagle badge requirements because my creative writing skills weren’t good enough to get me through the religious requirement section. I like music by black people, samurai movies, and have been married for 4 years. Reel Big Fish’s new record comes out on April 5th.
Why did you leave your previous job?
I left my last job as a proud American, because I thought it was my duty to make a safe beautiful place for people from all over the world to come live, instead of go to other countries and kill them for not being proud Americans.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
My wife and I have decided that just like the pioneer days of the American west, we want to be in the first round of lunar settlers. I think hemp will be grown on the moon. We want to raise our kids in a republican and gravity-free environment
Have you ever been convicted of a crime or felony?
Is international piracy a crime? oh convicted..ah… nope.
Please provide a urine sample before we go any further.
It looks a little like beer…it probably still is beer. I bet we could bottle it up again and sell it to desperate high school kids. Screw this band thing. We’re gonna be rich.
Delicious, thank you. Do you have any issues in taking orders from people younger than you? What if the orders seem “strange” or “uncomfortable”?
They can be younger, as long as they’re not sexier. I can do whatever’s required of me strange, uncomfortable, or otherwise. I’ll warn you now, though, my gout flares up when i use my mind powers to hold open a tear to the Paralax Dimension for longer than a half hour. Otherwise, we’re cool.
How do you handle stress or pressure? Can you multi-task in a deadline-oriented environment?
I’m sorry, what?
Explain how you overcame a major obstacle.
Some say the great pacific squid is just a myth. I’d done the research, though. I knew in my heart that it was out there. After 7 long years of searching, my crew was worn out. We weren’t ready for it’s sudden attack. Into the briny deep we went. Fourteen brave sailors met their suction-cupped end that cold night. I was caught, literally, with my pants down. There was a knot in the drawstring of my swimming trunks and I couldn’t very well go out squid fighting naked. I pulled out my trusty sewing needle and poked at the knot. See, when string gets wet it’s like it shrinks or something. After a good three and a half minute struggle, the cursed knot gave in to my persuading and I triumphed. I’ll never forget that moment. Oh yeah, I killed the squid and some other junk.
Why should I hire you?
What the fuck are we doing in the middle of the desert, man. We need help. HELP!
The new Reel Big Fish record is called We’re Not Happy ’til You’re Not Happy and is now available. And we’re proud to announce Dan Regan was recently named Employee of the Month.