Sparks The Rescue – “Eyes To The Sun”

Album Reviews | Oct 29th, 2008

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Record Label: Double Blind
Genre: Emo
Band Link: link
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Christ. I was not prepared for this level of contrived emo-pop. I mean, I should’ve been – we did review their previous vomitorious.

But this level of carefully crafted emo cheese was still like a punch to my stomach. Okay, more like a pillow to my stomach. A deliciously soft pillow with goose-down feathers and gingerly sewn by an old bony Chinese woman with a toothless smile.

I’m often asked why I don’t review emo albums relative to its genre merit. That to me is like asking the New York Times food critic why he won’t give a plate of raccoon shit a fair review relative to other piles of animal shit. It’s just inherently awful. If all music were film, emo music would be High School The Musical as performed by children with Down syndrome. It’s beneath me to even consider this form of entertainment as music or even as entertainment.

The fact that people like emo means nothing. People like brussels sprouts and George Bush, and guess which I consider to be a vegetable. Emo is simply an annoyance I have to live with, like taxes and butt herpes. If you like emo and want to know what this sounds like, I can’t help you. Clearly no one can help you and parents and teachers and society have failed you.

So just pick this up and enjoy it, because if there’s one thing I believe, it’s that dim people should enjoy their simple pleasures, like blowing bubbles or bouncing a shiny ball.

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